It’s no secret that I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Almost to the point it’s troublesome. Which is why it came as a surprise for many to find out I had avoided reading Harry Potter and The Cursed Child for almost two years like it was the plague. People expected me to be ecstatic over a continuation of the world I loved, but I had my reservations because I didn’t want anything to taint it. I could reason that Fantastic Beasts was somehow separate because it wasn’t directly Harry, Hermione, Ron and other favorite characters.
The longer I held off reading The Cursed Child, the more rumblings I heard of unhappiness, which frankly scared me off more. After finishing my recent re-read of all seven books, I figured the time was ripe and I couldn’t avoid it any longer. The play reads like bad fanfiction and trust me, I have unfortunately read a lot of terrible Harry Potter fanfic in my life to know what I’m talking about.
Now I can say I have read the entire series as a factual statement, however I will also need to go on pretending The Cursed Child doesn’t exist. It was that bad. Some of you may have seen my ranting over on Twitter, but I couldn’t just leave it – I had too many opinions on this okay?
Obviously there will be major spoilers below, so read at your own risk. I don’t want any of you coming at me saying I ruined the ending.
1. Stop trying to tell me these are supposedly the same characters
Not a single character felt like they were the ones I knew and loved. Their general characteristics were there, but they felt like flat imitations. There were also a few actions that seemed so out of left field, I couldn’t understand how I was expected to believe they were indeed supposed to be the same characters.
- Hermione, who was always a strong female character, suddenly turns evil and bitter as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher because she didn’t marry Ron. I always shipped Romione too, but give me a break. Her whole personality doesn’t depend on what dude she ended up marrying or not. Plus, wasn’t Defense Against the Dark Arts the only class Hermione ever struggled in?
- Did you know if you get humiliated it turns you into a Death Eater? At least it did for Cedric Diggory. Any moral values that were engrained in you are suddenly gone. Dang, why didn’t Voldemort use this recruitment tactic more often?
- Let me give you a little math problem: 1 bad personal experience with a love potion yourself as a teenager + 1 love potion back to school gift for your fourteen year old nephew = logical? According to the Ron Weasley of The Cursed Child world, this is totally plausible. All because it will be a plot point when you can convey secret messages through the love potion later. Riiiightttt.
- We’re talking about the same Harry who snuck off on his own and had that engrained Potter sense of adventure now having the headmistress watch his son using the Mauraders Map and changing his schedule? I know people change slightly as they become parents but you don’t go from Harry to Dictator Potter because of it.
2. Didn’t you create the concept of Fidelius Charms J.K. Rowling?
THAT IS NOT HOW FIDELIUS CHARMS WORK. Albus and Scorpius venture back into Godric’s Hollow before the events of 1981 that changed Harry and the entire wizarding world’s lives forever. Okay, I can get with that. The next part, not so much. Fidelius Charms are supposed to be so powerful that only one person can hold the secret. Yet, here Lily and James are romping about Godric’s Hollow and everybody from the future can see them no problem. Not only that, but Albus and Scorpius can get close enough to them to steal young Harry’s blanket, write a secret message on it, and sneak the blanket back to the couple. Are we supposed to believe the entire town of Godric Hollow was under a Fidelius Charm or…? Yeah, I’m not quite sure either.
3. Uhm…this is Voldemort we are talking about
The entire time Harry was learning about Horcuxes from Dumbledore, he is taught how Voldemort could never fathom loving somebody. That he had so much belief in himself and despised relying on others in any form other than to do his bidding as his faithful servants. Now we’re supposed to suspend this entire belief system to think Voldemort would come to the conclusion that having a child of his own would benefit his rise to power. That after going to great lengths to protect his immortality with seven Horcuxes, he’d think you know what else is another fool proof method of protecting myself? A child with Bellatrix Lestrange. Plus, are we supposed to believe that he’d even be able to still create a child with the tiny bit of his intact soul that resided in his creepy post-resurrection snake being?
4. Plotpoints only have to matter if you say they do
While we’re on the topic of this “realistic” child birth, you’re trying to tell me Bellatrix was pregnant and NOBODY noticed? That Draco or his family never heard about his aunt having a baby, even though it was right under their noses in their own house? That in twenty years nobody noticed any of the magical tapestries updating that Bellatrix and Voldemort procreated? Okay then. If that doesn’t feel like you got hit with a confundus charm, maybe this will: Bellatrix supposedly tortured Hermione while nine-months pregnant, gave birth soon following, and within days at most, participated in the Battle of Hogwarts. I know magic is pretty powerful but even that sounds like a stretch.
5. I can’t get over the trolley witch
Okay guys, what the heck was the whole scene with the trolley witch? I literally had to re-read it multiple times to assure I didn’t miss them suddenly being in a dream sequence. I get the magical world can have weird and wacky things happen, but this was just lol worthy. Claw hands? Pumpkin Pasty grenades? This is a scene I can’t even explain with a straight face if you haven’t read the story. It was truly head scratching.
The one redeeming feature of The Cursed Child was the friendship of Albus and Scorpius. I loved that. Since the series ended, I’ve found myself developing serious headcannons concerning Harry and Draco post-war. By seeing their sons become best friends, it was like seeing aspects of that come to life.
The original books weren’t perfect, but The Cursed Child doesn’t feel like it’s even in the same vein. In a lot of ways it doesn’t even feel like J.K. Rowling actually wrote it, just stuck her name alongside somebody else for the money.
Will I see the play live if I ever have the opportunity? I mean…probably because I’m a sucker for anything Harry Potter related. I’d feel bad for whoever attends with me because I’ll end up ranting again, but they would know what they were getting into.
I want to say, I know plenty of people did really love The Cursed Child and that’s okay. This post wasn’t meant to tell anyone their opinion was wrong. I hate when others do that to things I love, so please keep on enjoying Harry Potter and The Cursed Child.
Have you read Harry Potter and The Cursed Child? Thoughts?
P.S. – If you’re looking for another fantastic world to get lost in, have you tried The Captain America trilogy?
Until next time,